711 Gundam Wing
by Luna Stop Swearing
Summary: It's not just another sugar high fic, it's a soy-sauce-baby-powder-and-ice cream-high fic (for a change)! Toss in your favorite GW charas, Dexter and Syaoran, mind-boggling pairings, and Wheel of Fortune inside an airvent, and what happens? ::Chap 12 UP::
1. Default Chapter

7-11 Gundam Wing  
  
By Luna's R. Twysted and her alter-ego and partner in crime, Luna Stop Swearing, and her sister, Luna Antonio whew  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Gundam Wing, there'd be a little more color- blindness, Trowa/Dorothy, and cross-dressing.  
  
Warnings: Pure stupidity, I guess. The game, actually, is FIND THE POINT OF THIS STORY!!! Get ready for a longer author's note.  
  
A/N: Eh.I removed this story and separated it into around 40 chapters because it was too damned long. THEN, Fanfiction.Net removed it AGAIN because I just HAPPENED to mention the word SHIT in my summary. Fuck. Anyway, here. A shorter, less time-consuming version. C&C. Feed the ego. You know you want to.  
  
Chapter 1: Of the Magical Mystery of Boogers and Freezers  
  
It was a normal, humid day in the little AU. It was a normal 7-11: it stayed open 24 hours a day and smelled like plastic, tasteless fast food, and medicine. And it had normal customers. Well, maybe there was an exception to today.  
  
"Noin," Hilde Schbeiker mumbled, nudging Lucrezia Noin, "Tell me again why we do our grocery shopping with the guys."  
  
Noin smiled ruefully and shrugged, reaching for several econo-size pack of chili-barbeque Doritos, everyone's favorite accompaniment to beer. "Haven't the faintest clue, Hilde. We always tell them off but somehow they always come along."  
  
"I mean," Hilde babbled on, "WE do all the work, so why do they have to come along when they just stand around the fast food counter and do absolutely nothing? Man, it's driving me up the wall!"  
  
Speaking of walls, Noin glanced up at the ceiling, seeing only nothing but cheap rotting plaster ready to fall off any minute. No help would come from there, she thought.  
  
"I must be nuts," Noin told herself. "I'm looking for help. In a CEILING, for Chrissake!"  
  
Sally Po came along behind them, looking disheveled and annoyed. She sighed. "Testosterone is such a mystery. I just succeeded in getting Duo to stop sucking the Slurp machine hose."  
  
Hilde and Noin mock-applauded her. Sally bowed.  
  
"Usually it takes three of us to do that," Lady Une said, delicately removing an econo-size tin of curry off the shelf.  
  
"Shopping with the guys is always a new adventure," Iria Winner pointed out.  
  
Meanwhile, the pilots were leaning against the counter of the 7-11 fast- food section, watching their insignificant others doing their shopping for them.  
  
The clerk in charge of the fast-food section (who looked unbelievingly like Sailor Moon, maybe because she really WAS Sailor Moon) was quickly getting very irritated with all of them. Especially Duo.  
  
Speaking of Duo, our very own Shinigami wiped his mouth clean of Coke Slurp on his black priest's shirt.  
  
"Aaahhhh," he exhaled. "Nothing like a good Coke Slurp to waken up those brain cells!" he exclaimed enthusiastically.  
  
Heero ignored him. It was embarrassing enough to know someone who didn't give a shit about his pride and dignity, but to be in public with him, ugh! He grimaced at the thought of it, and realized that what he was thinking was a reality.  
  
He stretched, and a sharp, searing pain like lightning rocked Duo's brain. He smacked his head and held it between his knees. "OWW!" he whimpered. "Brain freeze."  
  
"Serves you right," Heero murmured, toying with the barrel of his gun, a Walther P68, just like Napoleon Solo from the Man from U.N.C.L.E. (A/N: I forget if that is the gun.Neat gun, anyways)  
  
"Trowa." Quatre Raberba-Winner whispered, nudging the tall, lanky pilot of Heavyarms.  
  
"Hn?" Trowa Barton said, acknowledging Quatre.  
  
"Aiee.Wanna go get some." Quatre thought for a moment. All he wanted to do was avoid the oncoming bloodshed that was sure to ensue in a matter of time, give or take a few minutes. Then he named the first thing that came to his head. "Disposable diapers?"  
  
"Wha?" Trowa sputtered.  
  
Quatre SO regretted what had just come out of his mouth. And he was going to really be sorry for what he was about to say next. He turned a deep crimson. He rubbed an imaginary bump at the back of his neck. "Well, you KNOW how I'm ALWAYS wetting the bed and all, so I thought that well, since YOU don't like your sheets wet, and I don't like my sheets wet, that I'd, ah, get some disposable diapers. That's all."  
  
Trowa stared wide-eyed at Quatre, who was visibly murmuring something very inaudible to himself, and started pacing back and forth from the frozen food section to the aisle dedicated to health food.  
  
"Don't you want to get your disposable diapers.um, Quatre?" he asked delicately.  
  
A flurry of Arabic and Latin came shooting out of the blonde Arabian's mouth. Being of Latin origin himself, Trowa knew and was fluent in his native tongue, though he didn't use it often. He caught the word 'muerta,' or death. He made a mental note to keep all artillery and cutlery out of his friend's reach.  
  
Wufei Chang snorted as he crumpled his seventh hotdog wrapper and tossed it behind his back into the garbage can. "You are disgusting, Maxwell. The very epitome of disgusting."  
  
Quatre was now back to normal (A/N: What IS normal, anyway?) and he leaned over and whispered to Trowa: "Enlighten me, Trowa. Did that sentence make any sense at all?"  
  
Trowa raised an eyebrow. "The first one did."  
  
"I thought so," Quatre murmured smugly, folding his arms across his chest.  
  
Heero Yuy had remained silent, giving everyone in sight a taste of his infamous death glare.  
  
"That's the pot calling the kettle black, Chang Wufei!" Sally's voice drifted from the deodorant and foot powder aisle. "I saw you pick your nose yesterday!"  
  
"Baka onna!" Wufei shouted. "I DID NO SUCH THING!" But by the color on Wufei's face, which was a mix of beet-red and purple, you could tell that he was really guilty.  
  
Quatre looked sick, and Trowa immediately came to his aid with a paper bag. Quatre showed his appreciation by emptying his breakfast and lunch into the bag, while Trowa looked away, searching for a proper receptacle to hold his gastric juices, too.  
  
Heero had at least stopped distributing his death glare to all the customers, who were all avoiding him as much as possible. Actually, they ran away from the store in sheer terror. He was now smirking at another Duo vs. Wufei match. Although once again disgusted because he remembered the fact that he was seen in public with Duo Maxwell, he immediately lightened at the fact that there was another chance to post the obituary he'd written a year and a half ago especially for him, when he found out that he had to live with Duo and everyone else. Especially Duo.  
  
"AND HE GOT ONE THE SIZE OF A MUSHROOM!!!" Sally added after a moment, selecting a tube of roll-on deodorant that Wufei was partial to: Eau de Dumpster.  
  
Quatre refused to look at Wufei, and Trowa could do nothing but smirk. Heero was finding the pockets of his pants very interesting, but Duo REALLY needed to milk the situation the best he could.  
  
"SALLY!" Duo hollered in a singsong voice. "Did Wufei eat it?"  
  
"AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE DID!" came the cheerful reply.  
  
"Omae o korosu, weakling onna!" Wufei screamed. He drew his katana and climbed onto the counter, diving over a nearby shelf, crashing into the ramen noodle aisle. An assortment of ramen noodles came crashing down onto Gundam pilot 05.  
  
At this point, all the 7-11 clerks, who looked amazingly like Sailor Chibi Moon and Sailor Moon (in cheesy 7-11 clerk outfits), locked themselves into the supply room. Luckily, there were no customers around to witness the event. They were all scared off by Heero.  
  
"AIIEEEEE!" Wufei shouted. But he got back up, and charged at Sally.  
  
"Oh my golly bananas," Dorothy whispered. "What's wrong with him, Sally?"  
  
Sally's eyes grew round as saucers as Wufei came charging at her with his katana.  
  
Luckily, Noin knew how to keep her head in battle. She scooped up the harried Preventer officer, and jumped up onto the rows of ice cream freezers.  
  
"What are you doing?" Relena Peacecraft demanded, her braids swinging.  
  
Iria looked skeptical. "That's not gonna work."  
  
Lady Une and Noin swiftly deactivated the system that made the freezers all cold and icy, and opened a door.  
  
"Get in!" She hissed, and all the women, without a second thought, jumped into the defrosted ice cream freezer and sealed it shut.  
  
Catherine touched a gallon of triple-decker fudge mocha-avocado almond crunch road ripple.  
  
"It's cold!" she complained, tucking her knees under her miniskirt.  
  
Hilde rolled her eyes as she found a comfortable spot beside a stack of mango ice cream, also finding it extremely cold. She winced. "We've only defrosted it a few seconds ago."  
  
Scrambling to find their own little nooks and crannies, they prayed to God that Wufei didn't get inside the freezer, or find ways to.  
  
A/N: Pure nonsense. We are open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week (except on holidays) to comments and suggestions-Just like a REAL 7-11! ~@-@~ Until there, then. For suggestions, flames, rants, and raves, you guys can bug us at wyrdsistah@lycos.com (LRT), bangagtalaga@anime-genesis.com (LA) and anthropophagi@mindless.com (LSS), okay? Want a little yaoi, a little shoujo- ai, a little crossovering? This will get funnier, we swear! 


	2. TOW Lotsasht Happens

7-11 Gundam Wing  
  
By The Fates, Clotho (LRT), Lachesis (LSS), and Atropos (LA)  
  
Disclaimers: Standard, boring ones, like we don't owe Gundam Wing or the super-amazing-hyper-to-the-max-kick-ass fic, Test Tubes, Dragon Spawns, and Demi-Gods, we aren't lesbians (but Clotho is starting to doubt her sexuality), and so forth. TTDSDG is a must-read for every GW fan, and the made-up characters are owned by Fablespinner, Ashura Nagisa, Lady Orla, and Lady Scarlet Une. We don't own that, we don't own the second most horrible song in the world (Asereje by Las Ketchup, the first is The Cheeky Song by the Cheeky Girls), we don't own Jafar, oh yeah! We don't own 7-11! Forgot to put THAT in.  
  
Warnings: ACK! Self-insertions. Also, we didn't EXACTLY use the names of the real authors (of TTDSDG), since they might sue or send threatening e- mails. But if they DO happen to stumble upon this disgrace to mankind, then we apologize from the bottom of our cold, black hearts.  
  
LRT: See, Lachesis? I told you this sort of thing would happen if Atropos wrote the fucking opening.  
  
LA: It isn't THAT long, Clotho.  
  
LSS: Fine, I owe you a hundred pesos. Come, Clotho, get your pitchfork! Let us find my sister and cover her in shite and colostomy bags!  
  
LA: Sorry for the delay. You can be assured this was written while a bag of premium baby powder was being passed among us and being snorted heartily. So this particular chapter is guaranteed to make no sense at all, and please excuse me since my sister and her androgynous friend are throwing shit and colostomy bags at me. We apologize for that long piece of shit you had to endure before you could actually read this. Here's the fic.  
Chapter 2: TOW Lotsashit Happens  
  
(A/N: If you don't watch Friends, TOW means the one where.)  
  
"Could you imagine what this would have looked like if it were written in a fanfic?" Heero finally asked, crushing a can of Pepsi with his hand and tossing it in the trashcan behind him.  
  
"Should we stop him?" Trowa inquired, looking on as Wufei blindly repeatedly rammed his head into a shelf of disposable diapers. Wufei had long given up on opening the freezer. For the meantime, at least.  
  
"Nah," Heero smiled slyly. From his pocket, he removed a digital camera.  
  
"New toy?" Quatre asked.  
  
Heero nodded. "Candid shots. To be distributed to everyone we know."  
  
"Good idea," Duo agreed. He slammed something black onto the plastic countertop. It was a video camera.  
  
"Shall we, Mr. Heero Yuy?" Duo grinned manically.  
  
"It would be a pleasure, Shinigami," Heero grinned, just as manically.  
  
You can just sense, once Heero and Duo team up, that hell is freezing over and Saddam Hussein is surrendering as you're reading this.  
  
"Quatre." Trowa murmured.  
  
"Yes?" Quatre asked, flabbergasted that for the first time in their entire friendship, Trowa was the first one to talk, and not him. He wasn't even sure what words were appropriate to release at the moment.  
  
"What just happened?"  
  
Quatre wished that Trowa would use more than three words when he talked. When he liked to talk, anyway.  
  
"Uh.Heero and Duo actually agreed on something?"  
  
"Exactly. Now let's get the hell outta here. I've got a bad feeling about that."  
  
Quatre and Trowa just sought refuge in an air vent, the highest and the safest place in the store, so they had a bird's eye view of the chaos unfolding. And Quatre was quite pleased with himself for mentally twinkering with the part of Trowa's brain that dealt with speech.  
  
Heero and Duo had followed a flight of stairs and found a secret upstairs room. There was a large hole in the floor, overlooking the ground floor, where Wufei was still throwing cans of pork and beans at the girls' secret hiding place.  
  
"Oh man, Heero, we could make MILLIONS if we sell this to some big movie production company," Duo said wistfully. "Just think about it: I can see the posters now: 'Mayhem in Mini-Mart!' What do you think?"  
  
"You talk too much, Maxwell. Shut up."  
  
"Hell, that's nice."  
  
So much for teaming up.  
  
There was a long, awkward pause as Heero began feeling around the floor for something. Duo counted the graffiti on the walls and tried to decide which was the coolest.  
  
"Bakagami, c'mere," Heero finally said, beckoning Duo over. Duo frowned, but nonetheless approached Heero.  
  
"What?'  
  
"I've found some sort of contraption like an elevator. Pulleys are hooked up to the beams, which look strong enough. We use this."  
  
Duo watched as Wufei calmly (or so it seemed) wolfed down a dozen (more) jumbo hotdogs from the hotdog cooker, similar to the one used to cook dimsum.  
  
"Heero. He looks calm already," he said, poking the Perfect Soldier.  
  
Heero stared at Wufei. "He's not. He's hyperactive."  
  
"Why? He normally doesn't hyperventilate unless he eats too much candy or drinks too much liquor, or both at the same time," Duo pointed out.  
  
"What did he eat this morning?" Heero quickly asked.  
  
"Er.ah.lemme see." Duo said, scratching his head in deep thought. "He ate seven jumbo hotdogs from this 7-11. And a couple of Coke Slurps. I guess about five of those."  
  
Suddenly, a pink portable battery-operated radio came flying towards Duo and Heero.  
  
Heero automatically caught it with one deft hand motion.  
  
He stared at it, frustrated. "What's this?"  
  
"Obviously, it's a radio," Duo snorted sarcastically.  
  
"It's pink."  
  
"Duh."  
  
"It's obvious that the author of this fic is a girl or a fag."  
  
Atropos appeared out of the shadows. "You are so sexist, Heero Yuy!"  
  
"Ack!" Heero yelped. "It's the author! Or one of them, anyway." He silently mumbled, "It's a girl. Or one of them is."  
  
Heero was technically correct. One author was a girl, and the rest were androgynous mutants who appreciated the concept of incest, especially among brothers and sisters.  
  
Heero seeks refuge behind Duo. "HIDE MEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Duo shook his head. "That's why it's so hard to be an anime character. You have to be careful with what you say." He turned to the TV screen. "Kids, it's a no-no to make wisecracks about your author. Remember that."  
  
"Er, Duo, that's not in my story," Atropos murmured, becoming confused why exactly she was in the story when she was supposed to be writing in. Then she remembered Clotho and Lachesis and the shit. Which explained why she was covered in it. Heero noted this and wrinkled his nose in disgust. Duo remembered his manners and covered his nose while talking to her.  
  
"Ad lib."  
  
"Fine. Heero, for once and for all, I am NOT a fag."  
  
"Why'd you have to throw us a PINK radio, of all colors?"  
  
"Because then you'd make some wisecrack. And then, I could show up and shout at you. Hey, authors need their screen time too, y'know. I need some exposure if I wanna get into Hollywood."  
  
"You women are WEIRD."  
  
Atropos curtsied. "At least we're better than you men."  
  
Heero drew his gun, cocked it, and aimed it at her. She had come face to face with Heero Yuy's infamous favorite weapon. Gulp.  
  
"Heero Remington Yuy, women in history have done great things!" She proclaimed, getting caught up in the frenzy of women's rights.  
  
"Uh, could you please stop addressing me by my full name?" Heero interrupted.  
  
"Sure. ANYWAY, like I said, many women in history have done great things!"  
  
Duo's eyes bugged out and he stared at Heero. "You have a middle fucking name and you don't even tell me?"  
  
Heero groaned deep and long. Then finally he smirked wickedly at the absurdly long-coifed moron whom he liked to think of as an acquaintance, instead of a friend. "Hm. I don't go around telling people about your REAL name."  
  
"What, MERVIN?" I supplied.  
  
"Louder, I don't think the rest of the WORLD heard that!" Duo screeched, sinking to his knees. "MY life is over." He sounded like a teen beauty queen with a huge throbbing zit on her nose.  
  
Heero looked at Atropos disbelievingly. Then at Duo. Atropos. Duo. Atropos. Duo. His index finger flew to the trigger, middle finger aching to become erect. But he remembered that in any fanfic, the author had overwhelming power over her subjects. Hell, Atropos, Clotho, and Lachesis could make Heero lick up horse crap on the sidewalk on his hands and knees in the buff with Asereje in the background if they wanted to. Which they'd do.eventually.  
  
"Give me a GOOD example," he said menacingly. "Of those.whatchamacallits.women doing stuff."  
  
"Morla, Mythspinner, Azura, and Lady Scarlet O' Hara wrote a super totally out of this world amazing epific (epic fic) about you guys and your children!"  
  
Heero choked. "Ch-children?"  
  
"You've gotta be kidding," Duo said, grasping for words.  
  
"Yeah! You know, Samuru and Noriko! And you'll marry Relena!"  
  
"RELENA?" Heero rasped. A strangled cry was heard from his throat, and he pretty much looked like he was about to faint.  
  
"Who'll I marry?" Duo asked, ignoring Heero's plight. He was writhing on the floor, recoiling from the fortuneteller/author who had told him the one thing he never wanted to hear in his entire career as an anime character and Gundam pilot.  
  
"Hilde," Atropos smiled. "And you'll have four children. Uh, Peter Jonathan, Matthew Michael, Jillian Angela, and Luke Gabriel! And Peter's gonna marry Jarreth, who's Noin's and Zech's kid, and Matty's gonna marry Lian, Wufei's daughter. Jilly's gonna get hitched with Samuru, Heero's son, coz he got her pregnant, and during Matty and Lian's wedding, Hilde'll give birth to your third son and youngest child, Luke."  
  
But this wasn't the end! Yours truly babbled on. "THEN there's a sequel, you know! FALSE EVOLUTION, it's called. Really dark and all! Gives me nightmares and stuff like that. Zechs dies, and you lose your arm, and Francoise Catalonia gets raped by the bad guy!"  
  
"WHAT?" Duo asked, enraged.  
  
Suddenly, four furious fanfic writers emerged from the pandimension, where things usually appear out of nowhere. Yes, this is the space where Heero stores his guns in his too-tight-for-comfort-but-what-an-ass Spandex shorts. Now you know.  
  
"What the hell!" exclaimed Duo. There was just nothing else to say.  
  
"M-Morla, M-M-Mythspinner, Azura! Lady Scarlet O' Hara!" Atropos stuttered, slowly inching away from them as they advanced towards her.  
  
"Hello, Atropos," Morla said, quite icily.  
  
"Grasshopper, what have you done?" Mythspinner asked, shaking her head vigorously.  
  
Lady Scarlet O' Hara and Azura just remained silent, fixing their gaze upon their apprentice.  
  
"Rule of thumb when writing fanfic," Morla said, approaching the stricken girl, "Never, ever, interfere with the course of history."  
  
"Meaning," Azura butted in, "Don't tell anime characters who they're gonna marry, who their children are gonna be."  
  
"Another rule of thumb," LSOH (Lady Scarlet O Hara) piped up, "Don't tell them about Test Tubes, Dragon Spawns and Demi-Gods, you little baka."  
  
I knelt down on the floor and began kissing LSOH's feet, then Azura's, then Mythspinner's, then Morla's.  
  
"EW!" Mythspinner yelled, raising a sandaled foot, now covered in saliva. "Just don't do it in the future, okay? You KNOW we're working on the sequel to TTDSDG, and the less cameo appearances the better."  
  
"Sorry," Atropos whispered humbly.  
  
"Come ON, Azura!" Morla called. "Stop slobbering over DUO!!!"  
  
And the four disappeared into the wall, back to God-knows-where, to work on their next literary smorgasbord.  
  
Heero was huddled in a corner unable to comprehend what he had just heard. Marry RELENA? Of all people? The most annoying girl in his whole miserable life? NAH!  
  
A small silver capsule-like thingy with a button on one end and a glass bump on the other (A/N: Yes, I don't know the proper names of all these 'thingies.' I apologize for being so stupid.) dropped into my outstretched hand. I didn't know why it was outstretched, but I recognized the 'thingy.'  
  
(A/N: Remember that thing they used to erase people's memories? That's what I'm talking about. I'm not sure what it's called, so if someone knows, couldya please e-mail one of us? Thanks.)  
  
"Men In Black?" Atropos asked aloud.  
  
"USE IT ON DUO AND HEERO!" Clotho's voice called from their roost somewhere above mere mortals.  
  
So the apprentice authoress clicked the button, with the flashing red light facing herself.  
  
"Uh oh," Atro-kun said, closing her eyes.  
  
In God-knows where, Clotho peered into her crystal ball and smacked her head hard on the stainless steel table covered with Gundam Wing pictures, which were already hard to make out because of all the lipstick marks and saliva.  
  
"Next time, send DETAILED INSTRUCTIONS!" Lachesis cried.  
  
"Owww..." Clotho moaned. Naturally, your head WOULD hurt if you banged it onto a stainless steel table.  
  
"Who ARE you?" Atropos asked, pointing at Duo.  
  
"HUH?" Duo asked, now VERY confused.  
  
"Where's the magic lamp Aladdin sent, dammit?" Lache-kun demanded.  
  
"Here," Clotho called from the far end of the room. She looked up from writing her chapters long enough to toss her paperweight to her muse.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"There goes my paperweight," Clotho complained.  
  
"You'll live," Lachesis promised. She rubbed it.  
  
Jafar, the evil sorcerer appeared in a puff of red smoke.  
  
"What?" Clotho exclaimed, looking immensely disappointed. "Not Robin Williams?"  
  
"Sorry, MASTER," Jafar hissed. "Didn't ANY of you brats watch Aladdin? Because of my greed, I turned into the genie, and the blue guy got liberated."  
  
The two extremely hassled writers glared at him.  
  
"For what useless purpose have you summoned me here, mistresses?" Jafar inquired, stressing the last word.  
  
"Much better," Lachesis said. "Three wishes, right?"  
  
"So they say," Jafar replied, running an emery board through his long, crooked, ragged, fingernails.  
  
Clotho gazed at the long yellow-white growth at eh end of his fingers he called 'nails.' "God!" she ejaculated, grasping for the right words without insulting the ugly genie too much. "Your fingernails are atrocious!" was all she could come up with at the moment.  
  
"You have a choice.world peace, get Lachesis a boyfriend, or turn back time 3 minutes and 40 seconds," Clotho said, blowing on her nail polish.  
  
"The time thing," Jafar answered without a moment's hesitation. He looked at Lachesis. "No offense, but you couldn't get a boyfriend even if you held someone at gunpoint."  
  
"HMPH!" Lachesis murmured, spinning on her heels to watch more Gundam Wing for inspiration. She applauded and cheered as Dorothy sliced up Quatre.  
  
Jafar pointed at the clock and zapped it. "There, can I go back into my lovely cramped quarters? I'm watching Ways of Our Lives."  
  
"WAYS OF OUR LIVES?" the two writers shrieked, oblivious to anything except to the fact that their favorite soap opera was on.  
  
So, time in the Gundam Wing world went back three minutes and 40 seconds.  
  
"Men In Black?" Atropos asked aloud.  
  
"USE IT ON DUO AND HEERO!" Clotho's voice called.  
  
"Face the flashing red light towards them, not yourself!" Lachesis added, remembering this time to give correct and clear instructions.  
  
And the deed was done. Atropos The Teenage Bitch zapped herself back into her own realm to rejoin the other witches, and Heero and Duo were like Ray Charles in the Louvre- they didn't have a fucking clue.  
  
And the fic continued, much to the despair of the reader.  
Clotho: But, of course, you'll have to wait for the next installation to find out what happens, because we are such evil bitches.  
  
Lachesis (logging onto FF.net): No fuck, you guys, we have reviews!  
  
Atropos: Seriously.  
  
Lachesis: SERIOUSLY! From aka-kitsune-chan, Silver Strife, Gothic FAED, and Spooky!  
  
Clotho: That's the more than the most I've gotten for one fic!  
  
Atropos: Anyway, thanks, you guys!  
  
Clotho: As for the (hopefully there will be) new readers. well. you know what to do. Feed the ego by clicking on the scroll type thing on the lower left corner of your screen, and REVIEW THIS! R&R, C&C, whatever!  
  
Lachesis: Flames are accepted, then laughed at, then we act as if you didn't send us anything.  
  
Atropos: Well? Should we continue? Or is this just one huge, boring piece of shit? Thanks again! And on behalf of my.associates, I apologize for the absurdly long beginning you had to read before getting to the actual chapter.  
  
Clotho: Shit happenz.  
  
Last A/N: Okay, I'd like to clear this certain thing up. THIS IS AN ORIGINAL PIECE. I, Luna Stop Swearing, DO NOT PLAGIARIZE. This is MINE. Okay, not GW, but the concept of the whole 7-11 thing. If you happened to see this floating around FF.Net at least five times in the past two years, that was just me. I've had a whole bunch of usernames since my first time here. Lots of identity crises.  
  
Mandelarae was the first one. I posted 7-11 under her. Then Mandelarae Graeson. That was me, too, and 7-11 made its presence known in her account. But I decided that it was a hassle for other people to read (people liked the story, but complained about the paragraphs all squished into one huge glob) and took it off, hacking it into readable, user-friendly chapters. Then. Luna Twysted came along. I'm her, too, or she's me, I still don't have a clue. I posted 7-11 under her, but it got taken off because I happened to mention the word 'shit' in my summary, and I was thus suspended for a week. Bad me. I was really pissed off, so I created a whole new account, under Luna Antonio, parodying the famous Filipino hero, Antonio Luna. So I posted 7-11 there, too. And I kept it there while I ran another world with my new username, Luna's R. Twysted, until finally, I decided to remind myself to avoid swearing, so I thought of my current username, which is, Luna Stop Swearing. So I took 7-11 off Luna Antonio's account and posted it under Luna Stop Swearing, which is my main priority at the moment.  
  
Sorry for the headache I must have caused you, reading this. I'm REALLY done. 


	3. BIG HUUUUGGGG!

7-11 Gundam Wing  
  
By The Early Muses Melete (Meditation-LRT), Mneme (Remembrance-LSS) and Aoide (Song-LA)  
  
Disclaimer: We own nothing. Even God owns our souls. Our material possessions aren't forever, since we won't be able to take them with us to hell.  
  
Chapter 3: BIG HUGGGG!!!!!!!  
  
"That was nuts," Duo murmured, rubbing his head. "All I remember was a flashing red light. Are you okay, Heero dude?"  
  
"Am I dreaming?" Heero inquired, scratching his eyes.  
  
"Let's see.uh, what's the quote you're most famous for?"  
  
"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family?" Heero tried in a hyperactive singsong Barney voice.  
  
"Try again."  
  
"BIG HUUGGGGG!" Heero exclaimed in a hyperactive Teletubby voice, reaching out to hug Duo.  
  
"EW! Get AWAY from me, dude!" Duo yelled, backing away from Heero. "What's gotten into you, man? You're starting to act like Wufei!" He paused. "That's scary."  
  
"RUN, DUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Quatre screamed, finally noticing Heero's present facial expression. It looked so much like Wufei's.  
  
"AIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" Duo shouted, grabbing the pink radio and the Polaroid camera from Heero and jumping off the box elevator thingy and falling not so gracefully onto Wufei.  
  
"MY CAMEWWWWWAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!" Heero hollered.  
  
"That must've hurt," Trowa commented blandly.  
  
"Ouch," Quatre agreed.  
  
"What's happening, Catherine?" Sally asked, consoling herself by eating a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream.  
  
Catherine had much training as an acrobat. She didn't have much training in the field of espionage. Nonetheless, she craned her neck and got a good look of the surroundings.  
  
Thud.  
  
"Uh, Duo looks like he jumped off some high place and he fell onto Wufei," she reported with all the calmness she could muster, as Wufei had put a disposable diaper on his head, and several packages of women's sanitary napkins were glued to his shirt. Band-Aids were stuck to his butt, he had cabbages on his hands, and whole watermelon on both feet. He was currently trying to roller skate through aisle 7. Condoms, tampons, feminine wash, and sanitary napkins.  
  
*  
  
Wufei had noticed the intruder who had felled him.  
  
"Get outta there, Duo!" Trowa screamed, jumping up and down on the shelf of tissue paper and waving his arms, trying to get Duo's attention.  
  
*  
  
Catherine blinked and looked surprised, as Trowa danced a lame jig.  
  
"So," Dorothy said, nudging her, "He talks."  
  
Catherine managed a small smile.  
  
"AND he dances," Sally said approvingly.  
  
Catherine grimaced.  
  
"How long are we gonna be in here?" Hilde complained. "I mean, it's really nice and all that we're stuck in a defrosted ice cream freezer with several tons of ice cream, but I'm definitely getting cramped here!!!!!"  
  
"I have to watch the episode of WAYS OF OUR LIVES!!!!" wailed Relena.  
  
Everyone stared blankly at her.  
  
"Because the DNA tests are gonna come out now, and.and I'm going to find out who Barbara's baby's father is, whether it was Josh or Joshua, and if Tim is going to divorce Pammy Sue, who's having an affair with Joshua (who has plans to inherit his father's money, and is preventing him from marrying again), for Conchita the waitress or Michael the bartender, who secretly has a family in the Bahamas by Rachel, his manager, who's getting married to Barbara's brother's wife's ex-boyfriend!!!" Relena explained.  
  
"Never mind," Lady Une said, rolling her eyes.  
  
Noin muffled a laugh by stuffing her mouth with a spoonful of caramel marshmallow fudge.  
Melete: What a horrible chapter.  
  
Mneme: Should we do it over?  
  
Aoide: Nah.  
  
Melete: Hey, people, feed the egos! Will write more for reviews. Flames WILL be accepted, then will be laughed that, then completely ignored. Then we will psychoanalyze the flamer through his choice of words. Then we will do lines. 


	4. Heero and Wufei Sing Powerpuff Girls Mel...

Chapter 4: Heero and Wufei Sing Powerpuff Girls Medleys  
  
By Laz (LRT), Spaz (LSS) and Jazz (LA)  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own PPG either. Maybe we should have done one huge disclaimer in chapter one, maybe we shouldn't have been so drunk while writing this chapter, maybe we shouldn't have spent our annual Rotten Tomato Day by watching Glitter several times over. We really don't know.  
  
~*~  
  
Duo, in the meantime, jumped from one shelf to another, trying to reach the air vent, where Quatre was still trembling, traumatized by what was happening to Wufei and Heero. Trowa, by the way, was still jumping up and down on the tissue paper shelf.  
  
Then Duo lost his footing on top of the shelf filled with cooking oil.  
  
The cooking oil, all in delicate glass bottles, smashed to the floor and broke, making the floor intolerably slippery. He fell onto a very mad (the British mad, meaning nuts, whacked out.) Chinese boy, who wasn't really tickled to see him either.  
  
"Hi.Wu-man," Duo said, flashing his cocky and confident grin, which had lost a considerable percent of its potency.  
  
"G'offame, MAXWELL!!!!!!!!!!" Wufei growled.  
  
"Gladly," Duo said dryly, leaping onto and climbing a stack of crates that Trowa and Quatre had used to get to the vents.  
  
He placed the beloved digital camera that didn't belong to him on the shelf of tissue paper and squished into the air vent with Quatre. His videocam, however, hung on a cord around his neck.  
  
Then Heero dove from his current position back to the ground floor. Again, on top of Wufei.  
  
Thud.  
  
"Ouch! Get off me, you BAKA!" Wufei screeched.  
  
"Aw, Mistah Wuffie Tightass is IN PAIN!" Duo taunted.  
  
Wufei was sane enough to digest what Duo had just said. Silently, he looked up at Duo, in the air vent. A huge sob from Quatre emanated from his current hiding place.  
  
"Please don't f-fight a-anymore, DUOKINS!!!!!!" he hollered.  
  
Duo winced, as it WAS his ear the Winner boy was yelling into.  
  
"Geez, Quatre! STOP WHIMPERING!!!" Duo screamed at the shaking boy.  
  
Quatre whimpered.  
  
Iria stuck her head out of the ice cream freezer and glared at Duo, full- strength. "DON'T YOU DARE HURT MY BROTHER, DUO MAXWELL!!!!!!!" she screeched.  
  
"Waaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!" Quatre only sobbed, burying his head in Duo's priest shirt.  
  
"What should I do?" Duo frantically asked Trowa, who had regarded the digital camera secured in all the jumbo rolls of tissue paper, was busy taking pictures of Heero and Wufei's extremely silly antics, still on top of the tissue paper shelf.  
  
"Calm him down," Trowa answered, not daring to look at Duo as he took a picture of Wufei giving Heero a wedgie. As it developed, he stuck it into the breast pocket of his shirt.  
  
"Feed him candy!" Iria called from the freezer.  
  
"NO!" Trowa snarled. "He'll go ZERO on all of us!"  
  
Duo suddenly remembered the radio. Which was pink. Ahem.  
  
"You like music, Quatre 'ol buddy 'ol pal?" Duo asked.  
  
Quatre panted like a dog waiting for his master to give him a treat.  
  
"I hope you like the classical station!" Duo  
  
Duo flipped on the radio, setting it to the classical station, just in time to hear the news bulletin.  
  
"Hi! I'm Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls," a saccharine sweet little girl's voice sailed in through the speakers.  
  
"POWERPUFF GIRLS!!!!!!" Heero cackled. He tied a green checked tablecloth around his neck and pumped his fist into the air. He then ran around, shrieking insanely, "FIGHTING CWIME, TWYING TO SAVE THE WOLD, AND THEY'VE COME JUST IN TIME, THE POWEPUFFFF GULSSS!"  
  
And he and Wufei jumped up on the counter and posed a la Charlie's Angels (think Lucy Liu and Drew Barrymore, sans guns). Then they blurted out at the same time, "POWERPUFF!! TAN-TAN-TAN-TAN!"  
  
Ew. Scary.  
  
The End. FOR NOW.  
  
A/N: LONG POS (Piece of Shit) Ahead, you've been warned. Skip to the purple scroll-type thing and review, okay?  
  
Laz: Since we're under the influence of Nanashi-san who will send us a, quote-unquote, "Demon duo with the power to turn everything HOT PINK to destroy life as you know it!" we will be nice (in this chapter) and thank all the people who have had the courtesy to review and comment on our. THING that is slowly (albeit surely) going out of control. And since Spaz says that we will lose more readers if I go on, we will give the honors to Jazz, voted Miss 'most-likely-to-jump-off-a-building-if-she-can't-finish-a- fic-or-act-diplomatic' 2003 by her class.  
  
Jazz: Okay. Pops Prozac into mouth and injects herself with liquid anti- depressants to make her stop shaking Let's make it nice and long.  
  
Skydancer: Thanks for the reviews! All of them! Naturally, we update! We hope that future chapters make more of you giggle like maniacs. Just don't shoot anybody. and thanks for the goddess bit. A little ego-pampering never hurt anyone. Spaz hits Jazz Okay, okay, I'll go on. Oh yeah! Spaz noticed that she (it) and I are both in your favorite authors, but you can just use Luna Stop Swearing, since Luna Antonio is only reserved for when I get suspended.  
  
Scottman101: Thanks for the SNS (Short N Sweet) review! We live on thumbs- ups!  
  
Laz: That and trashy movies starring singers trying to be flexible, coke, anti-depressants, anime, good literature.  
  
Jazz: DO YOU MIND?!?  
  
Laz: Oh, not at all.  
  
Spaz: Demon Duo, HOT PINK HER!  
  
Laz: Oh dear God. Is attacked and silenced by Hot Pink Demon Duo  
  
Jazz: Sorry for the delay, here's more:  
  
Shadowed Eyes of An Angel: Or SEA, whatever, we bow to your imitation mock- Heero-Death-Glare. We usually don't submit to death threats, but I think we could freeze the girls a little later on in the fic, for your sake. Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Nanashi-san: We have been thoroughly tortured by your sick little Duo and sustained enough injuries to mock the sinking of the Titanic. Be assured that we will send it back to you through mail, after successfully hacking into your files. Stick Duo in the freezer and make him blow it up, sending gallons of ice cream flying. Make Heero lick it up and become enthralled by the color pink on the Isle of Feminine Napkins. Make Heero go out and get a pink, frilly dress. Gods, Man! (Or Woman) Are you listening to yourself? You're brilliant! You will receive the Twysted Award For Grossness In A Fanfic! I think we could put that in, too. We're glad that there are other people in the world who are just as insane as we are.  
  
Kate: Apology accepted! In a few months' time, the full version will be up, I suppose, that is, if my ACQUAINTANCES try and work harder. And stop enslaving me (grumble, grumble, Chinese water torture.) Shouldn't have changed pen names that often, I suppose. And what do you mean, copied many times? Can you name names?  
  
Luna Stop Swearing: Eh? Oi, Spaz, what the heck did you do, reviewing our fic? That's against canon! The rules of the fan fiction writer!  
  
Spaz: It was explaining that we were who we were, and we didn't rip it off of anybody.  
  
Jazz shrugging: Oh, okay. Anyway, Spaz, your guitar instructor called, asking you out on a DATE, Mom said to wash all your underwear with those blood stains on the crotch because she keeps throwing up just looking at them.  
  
Spaz: Just shut your bloody mouth up or I'll force your own blood down your fucking throat!  
  
Jazz: Moving on.  
  
Wufei: No, for the love of all that's good and holy, please, don't pee your pants. Poor, poor, sick Wufei. Why dontcha have Sally give you some TLC, if you know what I mean?  
  
Aka-kitsune-chan: Write more? Why of course! Make Quatre go ZERO again? Hmmm. I'll have to talk it over with my BUSINESS ASSOCIATES. We wanted someone else to have a go at the ZERO System this time.  
  
Silver Strife: Good to see you're not as depressed. Well, miracles DO happen, you know. Thanks for the SNS!  
  
GothicFAED: Thanks, we know, it's not half bad!  
  
Laz: Yeah, it's entirely shite!  
  
Jazz: Sorry 'bout that.  
  
GothicFAED: Yeah, we know it says G-rated summary SOMEWHERE, but it's all Laz's fault. We entrusted the summary to her, and the next thing we know, it gets booted off of FF.Net and we get suspended for a week! Her fault! Her fault! You need a life? Write fanfic! And, piece of advice: "I write fanfic, therefore, I am." Repeat several times whilst looking at the monitor (should be off), and refrain from balconies and penthouses. As for your fanfics you've so kindly advertised, we've sent Spaz to look in on them and read, and so forth.  
  
Spooky: Inderesting review, too. More gum, we suggest. We can do with no yaoi, since I get goosebumps writing something remotely yaoi and yuri, but Laz likes that sort of thing.  
  
Laz: There's a name for people like you, Jazz. NUNS.  
  
Spooky cont'd: So well, we've already paired Quatre up with someone more. appropriate, so no worries about yaoi with him. As for the pies in the face. how about puke? Puke is good.  
  
Spaz: Excuse me, we have to stop Jazz from revealing any more spoilers, so we'll just sic Hot Pink Demon Duo on her before we ship 'im back to Nanashi- san. Yes, you'll have to wait a bit more for the next installment, but check in every 2-3 days, since we update at least thrice each week, depends on when we feel nicest. Hope you liked this chapter, sorry if we ramble too much.  
  
Laz: Whatever. Just review. You know? Purple scrollbar type-thing on lower left hand of your screen? Just make it say 'Submit review' and write something nice! Or else we clone Hot Pink Demon Duo and send him to YOU! Also, 'Add Author To Favorites' or 'Add Story To Favorites' wouldn't hurt.  
  
Jazz: LAZ! You're not supposed to be advertising. AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Hot Pink Demon Duo has sought his revenge on Jazz for tying him down when he was trying to make her into sashimi earlier today. 


	5. Fake Eyebrows and Miss Dorothy

7-11 Gundam Wing  
  
By Rytforkix, Pikupstix and Neurotix  
  
Disclaimer: Blah don't blah blah, blah blah blah blah, own anything, blah (x 1,000,000)  
  
A/N: Pikupstix: We have just finished watching Asterix and Obelix Take on Caesar. It's so fucking awesome, you've got to watch it! Better yet, go watch it twice! Go into the moviehouse and don't come out until you become nauseous with laughter! I swear it's better than contemplating suicide.  
  
Rytforkix: Em.we don't write to advertise stuff, if you've forgotten.  
  
Pikupstix (outraged): WE DON'T?  
  
Neurotix: Pardon the babbling bastard.  
  
Rytforkix: Doesn't that mean pardon ALL of us?  
  
Neurotix: Er. RELENA BASHING!  
  
~*~  
  
Chapter 5: Fake Eyebrows and Dorothy  
  
~*~  
  
"Relena, I feel your embarrassment," Hilde said, consoling her friend as they animatedly watched Heero grab Wufei's ass, then make lewd gestures at a bottle of cognac.  
  
Relena hugged her knees. "He's not the Heero I know and love!"  
  
Hilde and Noin exchanged disturbing glances.  
  
But Relena continued, wailing, "HE'S NOT THE MAN I MARRIED!!!!!"  
  
And then her eyes glistened, liquid moistening eyes that were resistant to tears.  
  
Dorothy chose that moment to lean over and tell Relena the truth. "Uh, Relena-sama, you're not married to Heero."  
  
"I'm not?" Relena sniffled.  
  
Everyone shook their heads.  
  
"YOU HORRIBLE BITCH!!!!!!!!" she screeched in a terrifyingly high-pitched tone, as she flew at Dorothy's eyebrows.  
  
"GIMME YOUR EYEBROWS, DAMMIT!!!" Relena thundered.  
  
Rip.  
  
"OW! FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Then everything turned black, because Heero had now discovered and was playing with the light switch.  
  
"DAY!" he squealed, flicking the light switch on. "NIGHT!" Flick off. "DAY!" Flick on. "NIGHT!" Flick off.  
  
"Fuck it!" a woman's voice screamed in a mixture of agony and fury. She stared at the girl who was holding a long strip of double-sided adhesive tape with an accumulation of eyebrow fake eyebrow hair on one side and some ripped skin on the other side.  
  
"My eyebrows!" The older woman sputtered, immediately touching her forehead. The higher set of eyebrows were gone.  
  
"Here, why don't we make it.EVEN?" Hilde suggested, ripping out Dorothy's other set of fake adhesive eyebrows.  
  
"Omae o korosu, BOTH OF YOU!" Dorothy bellowed, lunging at Relena.  
  
Yes, even in a cold, cramped place such as an ice cream freezer, there was enough room to lunge.  
  
"Aiiieeeeee!" Relena grabbed a gallon of pistachio-strawberry ice cream and used it as a shield.  
  
Conk.  
  
Dorothy lashed out obscenities which aren't fit to be printed here as she rubbed the gargantuan bump on her head. And in various languages too. (A/N: I never knew Dorothy was a linguist until now (;)  
  
It was Dorothy vs. Relena vs. Hilde, Round 1 Dorothy slapped Hilde. Relena slapped Hilde. Hilde slapped Dorothy and Relena. Relena bit Dorothy's nose. Hilde bit Relena's ear. You get the picture. (A/N: Try to remember the limited amount of space in an ice cream freezer.  
  
Lady Une looked at Sally, who nodded.  
  
"Girls!" Lady Une called, raising her voice in order to be heard above the catfight.  
  
All cat-fighting, gossiping (mostly between Catherine and Iria), and eating ice cream (Noin's doing. Several pints of assorted flavors of the frozen treat lay around her. She was rubbing her stomach and moaning) came to a halt. Everyone turned to look at Lady Une.  
  
"There's only one way to settle a dispute like this," she said coolly.  
  
"And what's that?" Relena asked.  
  
"Dictatorship?" Iria suggested.  
  
"Ice cream?" Noin sulked.  
  
"Ultimate annihilation?" Catherine asked.  
  
"World domination?" Dorothy asked hopefully.  
  
Lady Une shook her head. "As much as I love all your ideas, we have to be fair. We're in a democratic government, after all."  
  
"Get to the point, Une," Sally whispered.  
  
"Uh, Tribal Council anyone?" Lady Une mumbled meekly.  
  
Dorothy pumped a fist into the air. "Yeah! That's more like it! C'mon, let's vote!"  
  
The scene switches to a Survivor Tribal Council-type place. Lady Une and Sally play host, while the rest of the ladies sit around a huge bonfire.  
  
"You know the drill, you hypocrites," Sally said. "Move your asses and vote! Iria, who'd you pick?"  
  
"Uh, Dorothy," Iria stammered.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Cause she's a bitch!"  
  
"Kay. Next!"  
  
Catherine shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "I chose.Dorothy too."  
  
"And why did you choose Dorothy?" Lady Une asked.  
  
"Coz, uh, Iria told me to!"  
  
"Very good choice, Cathy!" Sally said approvingly. "Relena?"  
  
"I chose Dorothy because she slapped me and took my dolly!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!' Relena lamented, as Catherine tried to console her.  
  
"Dorothy?"  
  
"I chose Ms. Relena, coz she's a pacifist!" Dorothy answered enthusiastically.  
  
"And you're not." Sally coughed. "Mental note," she said to herself. "NEVER give Dorothy Catalonia peace medallions for Christmas."  
  
"Noin?" Lady Une pointed to the violet-haired girl.  
  
"Myself," Noin moaned. "I gotta get to a hospital. I feel like I'm giving birth or something."  
  
"You LOOK like you're giving birth," Iria casually remarked at the bulge of flesh peeking through Noin's shirt.  
  
Noin shot her a nasty look.  
  
"Is that everyone?" Lady Une asked her co-host.  
  
"Yep," Sally replied.  
  
Lady Une breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"Thank God," she declared. She fanned herself with her blouse. "It's too damn hot here in Marquesas."  
  
"Damn straight," Sally agreed.  
  
Duo appeared out of nowhere.  
  
"Hey! That's my line!" he argued.  
  
"Duokins!" Hilde hollered, waving at him.  
  
Duo blew her a kiss. "Love ya, babe."  
  
"He's so romantic," Hilde sighed.  
  
"I said, Hey! That's my line!" Duo repeated.  
  
"I'm sure it is, but I can use it whenever I want to," Sally countered.  
  
"Yeah? And why is that?" Duo challenged.  
  
Sally flashed him an evil smile. "It's not copyrighted."  
  
Duo sank to his knees and bellowed, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"  
  
Sally and Lady Une cackled. Hilde looked on in horror.  
  
Duo tried to stand up. He walked off-stage blindly, murmuring to himself, "Must. find. copyrighter. must.find.copyrighter."  
  
"Anyway," Lady Une smiled, facing the PMS-ed gaggle of women, "Dorothy, you're being voted out!"  
  
"Yay!" Relena, Iria, and Catherine cheered. They applauded madly as Dorothy looked stunned and stood up, walking towards Lady Une and Sally.  
  
"Congratulations!" Lady Une enthused, whapping Dorothy on the back. "You're the first person to be voted out!"  
  
Dorothy felt tears sting her eyes. "It's such and honor to be voted out! Oh my God, this was SO unexpected! I didn't even have a speech prepared or anything!"  
  
On cue, Relena, Iria, and Catherine, started stamping their feet and hooting.  
  
"I would just like to thank everyone who made my being voted out possible!" Dorothy went on, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Relena, Iria, and Catherine, who voted me out! Thanks! Mwah!" she blew kisses at them.  
  
"Ready?" Sally asked Lady Une, who nodded.  
  
"The Tribe has spoken," Lady Une announced.  
  
She stared at the buckets of ice cream at her feet. "Dorothy, which one is yours?"  
  
Dorothy thought for a moment. "I think it was the Guava-Java Havahava Mocha- Docha De Luxe Modulant."  
  
Noin poked Iria.  
  
"Is that an ice cream flavor?" she asked.  
  
Sally picked up a pint of ice cream that had a sickly barf-green color with bits of shit-colored something...  
  
And plopped the long bucket onto Dorothy's head.  
  
"Sayonara, Dorothy!"  
  
"Bye, Ms. Dorothy!"  
  
Dorothy refused to remove the ice cream bucket on her head as she stumbled through the underbrush back to the 7-11. On her way though, she turned around and raised a solitary finger for all to see. Then she continued making her way blindly through the forest. 


	6. Aqueous Transmissions In The Air

7-11 Gundam Wing  
  
By Luna Stop Swearing (only. For now)  
  
Disclaimer: I'm a lazy bastard. Check the previous chapters for the legal crap. PPG doesn't belong to us, thank goodness, and the chapter title was inspired by the Incubus song, Aqueous Transmissions. CHECK IT OUT!!!!!! Also, Desert Rose belongs to Sting, and it is SUCH a wicked song. Especially Cheb Mami's part.  
  
A/N: Wah. Luna A. has SARS. Or just a horrible cough. Either way, I warn you she's a hypochondriac, so she's probably just got a cough. And she wanted Luna R.T. and me to catch. whatever she had, so we could suffer along with her. But she's in isolation, I'm staying as far away from her as possible, and Luna Twysted is off meditating, so they left this fucking chapter to me. So be warned, this is going to be one piece of shit.  
  
{*~*}  
  
Chapter 6: Aqueous Transmissions in the Air.  
  
"And I'm Buttercup," the transmission continued.  
  
"Uh, Buttercup, where's Blossom?" the teeny-tiny girl's voice asked the girl with the rougher voice.  
  
The sound of a door being slammed was heard, and also that of moving chairs.  
  
"Hello, people! It's me, Blossom of the Powerpuff Girls! Sorry I'm late," she panted, obviously still catching her breath. "I had my hair done."  
  
Duo and Quatre looked at each other with a 'huh?' expression.  
  
"It doesn't take that long to slap on a scruffy red bow," Bubbles pointed out.  
  
"For crying out loud, Blossom! We run a serious adult radio news program here, not some barely-serious adult radio news program hosted by some barely-six year olds!" Buttercup scolded her mutant sister.  
  
"That's right!" Bubbles chided. Then there was a long pause.  
  
"Um, Buttercup? We actually DO run a barely-serious adult radio news program. And we ARE barely six-years old," Bubbles pointed out.  
  
"Technicalities," Buttercup grunted.  
  
"NEWS FLASH!" Blossom yelled. There was a sound of rustling paper.  
  
Then there was a long pause.  
  
"What are you doing?" Buttercup demanded.  
  
"It's a DRAMATIC PAUSE, you ignorant little fool," Blossom sneered.  
  
"What the!" Buttercup yelled.  
  
Crash.  
  
Thunk.  
  
Zing.  
  
Whap.  
  
Blam.  
  
Ding Dong.  
  
Blip.  
  
Blap.  
  
Whiz  
  
Achoo.  
  
Slam  
  
Smash.  
  
Sizzle.  
  
And a bunch of other oxymorons.  
  
"Since my sisters are too busy fighting," Bubbles reported, "I'll be giving you ALL the news, ALL the time. For the news flash, uh, it says here that all 7-11 hotdogs have been discovered to hold some sort pf chemical called bladidiwackiwackiwoowoo, or affectionately called B. Didi."  
  
"Mamma mia," Duo groaned at the awful joke. Bubbles probably didn't even know she was making a pun.  
  
Quatre was beside the Maxwell idiot, sucking his thumb and singing Cheb Mami's part in Sting's song Desert Rose.  
  
"When this chemical-thingy is digested too much, or when you eat too much hotdogs, your nerves that're connected to your brain whatchamacallit are deactivated and you lose all sense of sanity and you go crazy an' stuff like that. I'll be takin' calls an' questions about this hotdog epidermic."  
  
An off screen voice called, "Epidemic."  
  
"E-PI-DE-MIC," Bubbles repeated. It was noticeably too much for her puny little brain to handle. "An' all your questions'll be answered by our very own Professor Utonium!"  
  
"Have your phone, Q-Man?" Duo queried.  
  
Quatre patted his pocket. "Uh-huh."  
  
"Quick, give it to me."  
  
Quatre reluctantly handed Duo his brand new phone.  
  
"What're you doing?"  
  
"Calling the radio station. What's the goddamned number?"  
  
"Our number is 24343434," Bubbles said. "Again, our number is 24343434."  
  
"Du-Duo, c-c-can I talk to Bubbles when you get through to their program? Huh? Huh? PWEASE, DUO?"  
  
Duo attempted to smack sense into the Winner boy. "SHADDUP!"  
  
"Bubbles," Quatre whimpered, cowering in a corner. "You shall be my first wife and first addition to the Winner Harem."  
  
~^*^~  
  
A/N: This seems to make NO sense as we go along. But we know if you're a loyal reader, you're used to it and DEMAND more of it. While you're at it, folks, check out the other fics of L3, or Luna and Co. L3 has co-authored Lord of the Rings: The Fourth Book, and To Shinobu-chan On Her 16th Birthday. Review this and check our other stuff out!!! 


	7. The Tribe Has Spoken! You Are the Weakes...

7-11 Gundam Wing  
  
By Luna's Really Twysted (This chapter only, since LA's sick and Luna SS is in the Dungeons, being er, whipped by her brother Emerson as we speak)  
  
Chapter 7: The Tribe Has Spoken! You Are the Weakest Link.Goodbye!  
  
Disclaimer: We don't own Survivor, or The Weakest Link, or Gundam Wing, or 7-11, or Li Syaoran, for that matter. No offense, but we can't stand him.  
  
Warnings: Possible construction of pagan meat idol. If you are offended by pagan meat idols, read something else. Also, if possible 3 x Doro disturbs you, read some more!  
  
Erratum: Okay, okay, we know we never should have given Luna Stop Swearing a frickin' chance to author something by herself, since we knew she'd just screw things up. Yes, we know that it's onomatopoeia, not oxymoron, obviously Luna SS didn't, thank you for pointing that out, all of you, we apologize, please forgive us, Luna SS will be dealt with accordingly, if you know what we mean.  
  
~*~  
  
So Dorothy was thrown out of the freezer.  
  
"Hooligans!" she yelled, waving her middle finger at them.  
  
Lucky for her, Heero and Wufei were too busy constructing what seemed an idol out of processed sandwich meats near the freezers far away from the ones intended for ice cream.  
  
"Mphhmmhp.TURKEY!" Heero debated, slapping a few slices of the frozen bird meat onto the head of the idol.  
  
"NO! MUSTARD'S BESTEST!" Wufei disagreed, squirting some of the poop-like viscous semi-liquid onto the idol's head, making eyes.  
  
"Bolognia!"  
  
"What's blognia, Heewo?"  
  
" 'Tis Bologna and Boloney combined to perform like the marvelous intermixture of processed sandwich meat that it is, Princess Wufei."  
  
Wufei started crying.  
  
"Wat's wong, Wuffy-Wiffy-Goo-Goo?"  
  
Wufei started whimpering like an injured dog and banging his head into the tall, door-type freezer. "I. I lost my jooled slippers! And now the Prince will never marry me!!!"  
  
Heero hugged Wufei and started stroking his hair comfortingly. "Aw. poor Wuffie." Then he quickly drew back his hand and started wiping it on Wufei's pants leg. It was abnormally greasy and it left a huge stain on Wufei's pants.  
  
"Baby oil," Heero said disgustedly, falling to his knees and shouting praises to the sandwich meat god (who was thus named Dora the Explora) in different languages: Swahili, Abernackee, American Indian, Egyptian, Indian, Mandarin, Japanese, Filipino, Fookien, and Cantonese.  
  
Wufei stopped looking for his 'jooled' glass slippers and started taking out more Swedish smoked ham.  
  
Trowa was still taking pictures. He had also borrowed Duo's camcorder in case he ran out of film.  
  
Now Trowa had never liked Dorothy much (since she DID shoot Quatre AND fell in love with him after that), but he pitied those in trouble or weaker than he was. And when he saw Dorothy with a pint of ice cream on her head.his heart gave a lurch.  
  
(A/N: Sickening? We're not sure. THIS, actually, is based on an idea given by Luna Antonio, who is currently recuperating in the hospital. Since there is a chance that she might die, we're doing this chapter for her.)  
  
"Dorothy!" Trowa sputtered.  
  
Dorothy squinted and looked up. It was pretty dark. After a couple of hours in a cramped freezer, she was thankful to be able to stretch her limbs, which had gone numb hours ago.  
  
"Up HERE!" Trowa called, waving her up.  
  
Dorothy blinked, but still her feet refused to budge.  
  
"Hurry!!!" Trowa added, his tone of voice more urgent.  
  
"Trowa." she whispered. She was confused. Trowa Barton had never shown her kindness before.why start now? When she happened to be standing mere yards away from a pair of lunatics who happened to be making an idol come totem pole using sandwich meats and condiments?  
  
"They'll sacrifice you!" Trowa called.  
  
Dorothy felt like she was standing in glue. She looked down at her high heels and tried to raise a foot.  
  
She was stuck. In glue.  
  
"C'mon!" Trowa said, a bit more loudly.  
  
Dorothy felt her vocal cords contract. She tried to say something, but no words came out. Then a light bulb in her head went off.  
  
She held up six fingers at Trowa.  
  
"Six words?" Trowa guessed.  
  
Dorothy nodded. She held up one finger.  
  
"First word," Trowa said.  
  
Dorothy pointed at herself.  
  
"Dorothy. I. You. Me. Myself and I. My?"  
  
Dorothy gave him a thumbs-up. She held up two fingers.  
  
"Second word," Trowa murmured thoughtfully.  
  
She pointed downwards.  
  
"Uh, high heels? Shoes?"  
  
He saw the thumbs up.  
  
Dorothy held up four fingers.  
  
"Fourth word."  
  
Dorothy pulled her feet.  
  
"STUCK?" Trowa guessed. "You're stuck?"  
  
Dorothy nodded helplessly.  
  
"I'm coming to get you."  
  
~*~  
  
LA (coughing): Wasn't that so disgustingly disgusting?  
  
LRT: I'd rather watch Trip or Jologs* several times over. Whose frickin' idea was this, anyway?  
  
LSS: LA's!  
  
LRT: What did we tell you, Luna? Leave the relationship shit to US! You always make sick pairings that screw up the fic!  
  
LA: Uh. ::cough cough:: My fever's already at 40 degrees, guys, not to ALARM you or anything.  
  
LSS: Like that first fic of yours! The 3 x Doro! That was sick sick sick! Let us correct the error by.  
  
LRT: Throwing her into a room with Li Syaoran!  
  
LA: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I shall seek my revenge with. SARS!  
  
*Trip is a Pinoy movie about a few teens going on a summer-long road trip. This stars the worst actress in Filipino movie history, Heart Evangelista, and my favorite part was when she tripped into the mud/dung puddle, face first. Hehehe. Jologs is another Pinoy movie aimed at teenagers, though I haven't seen it yet. It stars the adult film star, okay, porn star, Assunta de Rossi. 


	8. Puck, Sht, Damn, Darn, Putang Ina!

7-11 Gundam Wung. er, Wing, Sorry, We've Kinda Just Got Back From A Party Where Our *Friends* Spiked The Pomelo Juice.  
  
By Three Unbelievably Bored Androgynous Sort-Of Lesbians (At Least We Think We Are)  
  
Chapter 8: Puck, Shit, Damn, Darn, Putang Ina*.  
  
Disclaimer: Combined, we have barely 3000 pesos. And we are going to spend it on more cheap manga and blank CDs. So if you sue, you get NOTHING. Mwahahaha. Did we already mention that we don't own anything mentioned here? Oh yeah, you've been warned, implied. adult situations, nothing too serious though. DO NOT sue us if you are traumatized in any way, we have enough problems with taekwondo, guitar, ballet, piano, and swimming lessons as it is.  
  
{~*~}  
  
"Aw, dammit!" Duo grumbled furiously, chucking the cellphone against the wall of the air vent.  
  
"MY NOKIA!" Quatre wailed, collapsing into a new fit of fresh tears.  
  
The operator's voice kept repeating the same annoying message. "No signal. Please try your call later."  
  
"Dammit, dammit, dammit!" Duo murmured, plopping his cute little ass down beside Quatre. "No fucking signal!"  
  
That made Quatre cry some more, babbling incomprehensible jumbled nonsense in mixed Arabic, Latin, English, Hebrew, and Chinese.  
  
Duo sighed, picked up the phone, and tried one last time.  
  
Ring.  
  
Duo's eyes popped open.  
  
(A/N: Of course we'd make Duo reach the damn radio station!)  
  
"Hello! This is Bubbles. Caller #1, what's your question for Professor Utonium?"  
  
"Uh, hi, Bubbles!!!" Quatre shouted into the phone, quickly recovering from his stupor. "I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!! WILL YOU MARRY ME? MY NAME IS QUATRE RABERBA WINNER, I'M. I'M 15 YEARS OLD, I'M A GUNDAM PILOT, I'M ARABIAN, AND.I'M FILTHY STINKING RICH!!! I LIVE ON L4 COLONY, IN THIS HUGE HUGE MANSION THAT BELONGS TO MY DEAD FATHER AND MY 28 OR 29 SOMETHING SISTERS! I COULD MAKE YOU SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE A VIIIIRRRRRGGGGGIIIIINNNNN!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Professor Utonium was so shocked and outraged at the same time that he grabbed the phone from Bubbles and started shouting into the phone, "HELLO! Hello! What kind of pervert are you, hitting on a little girl?"  
  
Duo was unsuccessfully trying to wrench the phone from the sex-depraved man in front of him, while trying to shout into the phone, "WE NEED HELP! WE'RE NOT PERVERTS! WE'RE STUCK IN A 7-11 WITH CRAZY PEOPLE!!!"  
  
"Likely story!" The Professor shouted back.  
  
Below, Wufei and Heero were re-enacting a whole two hours of Playhouse Disney, and Duo was thinking that if this was hell, it was worse than being poked at with red tridents by little red demons and experiencing excruciating pain. On the other hand, hearing Heero sing was already classified as excruciating pain. With the addition of Wufei, he might as well curl up and die in Antarctica.  
  
"IIIITTTT'SSSS the.. GREAT BIG BOOK OF EVERYTHING WITH EVERYTHING INSIDE!  
  
TO SEE THE WORLD AROUND US THIS BOOK'S THE PERFECT GUIDE!"  
  
"Yo, God-dude! I know I'm not religious-QUIT IT, WINNER!-but if you could at least make Heero stop singing, then I'll spare someone. DO IT NOW BEFORE I SHOOT QUATRE!!!"  
  
"If you believe you must be big in order to be tough! Then you should get to know me, I'll teach you other stuff!  
  
I'm Madeleine, I'm Madeleine I may be very small! I'm Madeleine, I'm Madeleine, But inside I'm tall!"  
  
"Oh God."  
  
"Giveittome, giveittome, giveittome!!!"  
  
"Shaddup before I whack you into the next after colony!"  
  
"I'm not a little girl!" Bubbles protested. "You told me I was a young lady minutes ago! How can I go from young lady to little girl in two crappy MINUTES?"  
  
"Face it Bubbles," A voice shouted from the corner of the room. It was Buttercup, mutilated and such, but pretty much still alive. "We're all going to be sent to convents on different sides of the world once we hit sixteen where all there'll be will be ugly people. We'll die virgins. And when we escape from the nun house, when we DO escape from the nun house, we'll be so desperate and surrounded by ugly people and we'll have to make the choice whether to further populate the ugly population or die untainted!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" Blossom screeched, banging her sister on the head with a mic stand.  
  
"Get off the goddamned phone, Winner!" Duo grabbed the phone back from Quatre, who was already drooling. Then he wrestled the blonde Arabian away from him. Duo did his best to avoid the puddle of drool accumulating on the floor.  
  
"Hello? Hello?" Duo spat into the phone.  
  
"Psychos," Professor Utonium told his test-tube daughter.  
  
"Most definitely," Bubbles agreed, tapping her powder blue crayon against her desk.  
  
"HOW THE HECK DO YOU REVERSE THE EFFECT-get AWAY from me, Quatre-OF THE GODDAMNED CHEMICAL??????" Duo yelled. "Quatre, I said GEOFAAME!!!"  
  
"No! NO!" Quatre was screaming hysterically, clawing at Duo's leg, trying to get to the precious cellphone with  
  
"Please don't curse, sir. Impressionable children might be listening," Bubbles scolded the braided Gundam pilot. Naturally, she was already jaded.  
  
"I'll curse whenever I want to, you blonde pigtailed test-tube reject!" Duo screamed.  
  
Bubbles started to cry, which made Quatre cry, too.  
  
"NOW WHERE'S MY ANSWER?" Duo demanded.  
  
"You have to shock them." Was all Duo heard. Then the transmission went dead.  
  
{~*~}  
  
A/N: Well, not exactly massive audience response. ::Sigh:: Come on, people, we write to keep you guys sane! Please review!  
  
*We weren't sure it was okay to curse in the title, so we made it 'puck' instead of 'fuck.' Because someone might rat on us again, like what happened to Luna's R. Twysted when we left the summary to her. ::grumble grumble:: So puck is a play on fuck (duh); on the way Filipinos sometimes pronounce f as p. We're making fun of ourselves, ha ha ha. Also, this is usually what Luna SS's friend (and our friend, I guess) Kim usually says when she feels utterly screwed. LAST: Putang ina is the Filipino equivalent of fuck. Ja! 


	9. And Osama Created Light And Then There W...

7-11 Gundam Wing  
  
By Psycho Bitch, Desperate Virgin, and Man Hater Goddess_2002  
  
Disclaimer: I'm getting real tired of writing these.but it's better than getting sued, I guess. So, again, for the nth time, we don't own anything. We are also not responsible for any sort of trauma you experience while reading ANY part of this fic. We are also going through therapy, and we don't need the added pressure of you telling us that you're traumatized, as this just may add to our fantasies of jumping off a building. Poor, poor Leslie Cheung.  
  
A/N: Actually, I'm responsible for the entire chapter, since we seem to be writing chapters separately nowadays. Me. Luna Antonio, with the SARS scare. Even I recoiled when I read this. Warning: Possible Trowa x Dorothy. Okay, it's really Trowa/Dorothy. I'm going to get so many flames with this. Also, I hope I don't get flamed for the title, especially after 9-11. A friend just mentioned it to me and I thought it was pretty funny. And besides, give peace a chance, right? Oh, and, our chapter titles don't really make sense in the first place. We don't intend for them to make sense after all.  
  
{~*~}- Let me introduce you to our muse, Ragart. She's responsible for inspiring us, and making us think of new stunts for the pilots to pull and write about. You should give her credit when we update, too. ;)  
  
Chapter 9: And Osama Created Light. And Then There Was Ice Cream and Osama Saw That It Was Good  
  
"Damn, Dorothy, you really ARE stuck," Trowa groaned. He'd tried everything he could to remove Dorothy from her current position. If only you weighed less, maybe we could do something about this, he thought sullenly.  
  
Dorothy decided that it wasn't so bad being stuck in the middle of a dark, deserted 7-11 while two homicidal ex-pilots roamed the store building what seemed to be a rabid meat/condiment god while the floors were covered in all types of cooking oil, as long as a handsome, well-built, sprat serious clown attended to your every whim.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Uh, no, I'm just kidding your cute little ass off. Yes, I'm serious, dammit!"  
  
So much for Trowa Barton, National Geographic photojournalist, he murmured under his breath.  
  
"What was that?" Dorothy interrupted, halting his fantasies of naked Amazonian women taking him to the land where no men were allowed, where women would roam around naked and every so often would take a handsome foreigner to their village in order to populate the next generation of wild, naked, hunter-gatherer, Amazonian women.  
  
"Armpits," Trowa said in that flat tone of his, while tugging on the stubborn foot. "I was thinking of armpits. Armpits turn me on."  
  
Honestly, the authors do NOT know how Trowa managed to pull that one off with a straight face.  
  
"Oh really?" Dorothy burst out. "Do you like clean shaven ones or the French woman type? Because if you like the French look, I could stop shaving if you like."  
  
"I'd rather concentrate on getting you the fuck out, if you know what I mean."  
  
"Absolutely. I'm surprisingly more important than armpits. I SO agree with you, Trowa. What's the problem? Why aren't I out yet?"  
  
"I can't get you out."  
  
"Is that so?"  
  
Trowa sighed.  
  
"Try turpentine!" Relena called from the ice cream freezer.  
  
"Turpentine." Trowa thought for a moment.  
  
"By the motor parts," Dorothy offered, trying to lessen Trowa's burden by being helpful.  
  
"Hai," Trowa responded. Dorothy noticed that his mind was wandering elsewhere. But this was not a time to delve into the emotions of a Gundam pilot, especially when you had a slim chance of being sacrificed to a sandwich meat and condiment 'god.' Go figure.  
  
Dorothy observed that the motor parts aisle was very near where the sandwich meat and condiment 'god' was still being constructed.  
  
"Trowa."  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"Be careful."  
  
Trowa blushed. He was thankful that the darkness hid the blazing heat of his cheeks and neck, which were very susceptible to blushing.  
  
And without looking back at Dorothy, Trowa crept towards the motor parts section for the turpentine.  
  
*  
  
"Oh my God," Catherine breathed as she slumped on back on the walls of their ice cream freezer prison. "That did NOT happen." She closed her eyes.  
  
Relena and Noin jumped in, fanning her with their hands.  
  
"Seeing her brother and someone she really hates got her gut, huh?" Lady Une asked Iria.  
  
Iria nodded wordlessly.  
  
"Come on, Catherine, breathe!" Relena said, frantically slapping Catherine's cheeks.  
  
Lady Une restrained Relena's hands from doing any further damage to Catherine's already crimson epidermis.  
  
"You know, inhale, exhale?" Noin suggested.  
  
"Here's some ice cream," Lady Une said stiffly, handing a faux gold pint to Noin.  
  
"Thanks, Une!" Noin said appreciatively.  
  
"She's burning up!" Sally proclaimed after feeling for a pulse and touching her cheeks and forehead.  
  
"Is that a BAD sign?" Relena queried, widening her eyes.  
  
"I'm a doctor," Iria declared, standing up as best she could in such tight quarters and trying to look dignified.  
  
"Yeah, sure," Noin grinned at Sally. "Tell us something we DON'T know."  
  
Everyone who could laugh, laughed.  
  
"And in my profession, burning up is a bad sign," Iria finished lamely.  
  
Lady Une popped open the ice cream container. "This isn't going to be pretty." She looked at Iria.  
  
Iria got the message, all right. "You're joking," she said flatly.  
  
"Nuh-uh. We have to do it."  
  
"Fine. Everyone grab a handful of Merry Cherry Choco Fudge and smear it on Catherine's face and neck," Iria announced.  
  
Relena dove her entire arm into the mushy stuff (at this point, the ice cream was defrosting). She came up with a handful of gooey brown-red mush that really couldn't be called ice cream. And there were tiny pink balls, which Relena assumed were the cherry bits.  
  
"I'm gonna feel so sorry for Catherine when she regains consciousness," she said after a moment's scrutinizing the creamy ice that she smushed with her fingers.  
  
"For God's sake, Relena, stop abusing the ice cream and just put it on Catherine!" Sally implored the young Vice Foreign Minister.  
  
Right now, Catherine was as red as a lobster.  
  
Relena sighed, reached over and smeared the cream on Catherine's face.  
  
She giggled. "It's just like finger painting!"  
  
Catherine chuckled. "Y'know, I read somewhere that ice cream doubles as a face mask! Whaddaya say, girls?"  
  
"I'm game," Noin admitted.  
  
The younger girls gazed at the two older women.  
  
"Well, Une?" Sally jabbed Lady Une in the ribs.  
  
Lady Une took off her glasses and put them in her pants pocket. She also took her hair out of the bitchy bun and displayed a wicked grin.  
  
"She's with us, ladies!" Sally whooped.  
  
Intense female bonding inside the ice cream freezer commenced. Catherine was still unconscious, but the ice cream facial mask lowered her body temperature considerably.  
  
"This reminds me of the time I put sleeping pills in Heero's energy drink and dragged his hot, sweaty, unconscious body into the kitchen and covered him and ice cream and started-"  
  
"SHUT UP RELENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
To add to the effect, Lady Une pressed a gallon of Phlegm Brulee into Relena's face.  
  
End of that cringe-worthy, something-out-of-Stephen King chapter.  
  
Authorial Ekek: Whew! Anyway, thanks to our three loyal readers, SKYDANCER! You probably make up half the reviews, thanks! Also, doumo to Wufei ::cough cough, most likely not our sexist Chang-boy::, Spooky, and Blades of Ice! Okay, FOUR loyal readers. I'm still sort of traumatized by the Tro/Doro thing. Keep 'em coming! And to the newbies, come on, criticize this! Flame me! Do whatever! Just click on Submit Review and type nonsense! We read everything you post, anyway. And clicking on all the 'Add to Favorites' wouldn't hurt, either.  
  
Ragart (wielding a large butcher knife and drawing on the walls in red lipstick): Red rum! Red rum!  
  
Psycho Bitch (hacking through the door with an axe): HHHEEEEEEERRRREEEE'SS JOHNNY!  
  
~Sorry, we just watched The Shining. Come and play with us, won't you?~  
  
LAST, LAST THING: RIP Leslie Chung, what a voice, what an actor, what a guy (I think). Thou shalt be sorely missed, and thou art totally an asshole for jumping off that building. 


	10. What Do Batteries Taste Like? Marshmallo...

7-11 Gundam Wing  
  
By Cornelia, Taranee, and Hay Lin  
  
Disclaimer: All hail the makers of anime! We are not them, but you may worship us just the same. ;) And, we don't own anything.  
  
Author's Notes: If you happen to be either Italian or Filipino, you might recognize the names of the characters. They're from an Italian manga called W.I.T.C.H (thought it wasn't possible, ne?), where a girl named Will receives the Heart of Kandrakar. and so forth. Luna A. has the complete set. At least, as of this posting, issues 1-10. I'm not sure if this is being distributed in other countries, so if it is, you can correct me. Again. And the chapter title is taken from somewhere. Again. It's from Episode 13 (I think, I am the Queen of Queer, Undertaker of Uncertainty) of Love Hina, entitled something like What Does A Kiss Taste Like? Lemon? Marshmallow? Or something like that. As a Love Hina fan, I apologize to the entire Love Hina loving community.  
  
Cornelia bonks Taranee on the head with a 2x4. Weird, isn't it supposed to be 1x2? LOL!  
  
Cornelia: Forgive the rambler. She will be dealt with.  
  
Hay Lin: Accordingly. So, on with the fic.  
  
{~*~}  
  
Chapter 10: What Do Batteries Taste Like? Marshmallows?  
  
"Ya here that, Quatre?" Duo asked Quatre, whom he had sedated with a cup of coffee he had stolen from below.  
  
"Hear WHAT?" Quatre asked, not really wanting to know what that was.  
  
"Man, you really need more extra-strength coffee! That Doctor something guy on the radio."  
  
"His name," Quatre corrected, looking up from his belated cup of café latte, "Is Professor Utonium."  
  
"Sure, whatever," Duo said, taking off his black priest's jacket and fanning himself with it. "Man, it's too damn hot!"  
  
"Mmm," Quatre murmured, too interested with his cheap cup of coffee to notice anything else.  
  
"Anyway," Duo continued. "That Plutonium."  
  
"Utonium."  
  
"UTONIUM guy said that all we needed to do was shock them, right?"  
  
This startled Quatre, who, at the time of the broadcast, had been too weepy and wobbly to pay any attention to anything else but his feelings.  
  
"Shock? How do we shock Wufei? Or Heero, for that matter?"  
  
"We can tell Wufei that Sally ran off with Dr. J," Duo snickered. "Or Treize. That would really."  
  
"That would cause another world war," Quatre stated simply. He crumpled the cup and tossed it into the dark depths below.  
  
The sides of Duo's mouth twitched incorrigibly. It was quite rare for Quatre to crack a joke. Rarer for it to be a funny one. Okay, maybe NOT as funny as the other jokes he'd heard, but hey, it was Quatre. Give him some slack.  
  
"I don't think it means we should scare them out of their right." Duo wheezed. "Or wrong minds. I think we just need to somehow get them strapped to metal chairs and.use electricity on them!"  
  
Quatre raised an eyebrow. "How do you propose to do that?"  
  
Duo scratched his head. "Haven't thought of that yet. Maybe the girls have an idea."  
  
"You're saying that we should go down there," Quatre said slowly.  
  
Duo nodded emphatically.  
  
"Where there are two deranged Gundam pilots roaming the store, constructing what seems to be an idol out of processed meats and condiments?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"You're out of your mind."  
  
"Always have been, always will be. Now COME ON!!!"  
  
Duo yanked Quatre by the hand and led him down from the air vents, down the stacked crates, towards the freezer.  
  
*  
  
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" Heero cackled, spraying mustard on the idol.  
  
"WIEHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI!!!" Wufei cackled in return, slathering mayonnaise on the sandwich meat tower.  
  
"Bongos love MONKEYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Heero agreed, pouring ketchup on his face.  
  
"FLASHLIGHTSIES IS SCWAZY BANANERSSSSS!" Wufei boomed, doing a little jig similar to the Macarena.  
  
"I LOVE YOU, WUFFIEEEEEEEEEE!" Heero said, bear-hugging Wufei.  
  
Wufei stopped licking batteries long enough to accept Heero's hug and squeeze back just as tight.  
  
You may now scream.  
  
{~*~}  
  
Cornelia: Hey Hay, we only got ONE review for the last chapter.  
  
Hay Lin: Did you just say Hey hey? I thought you didn't like Krusty the Clown.  
  
Cornelia rolling her eyes: No, dumbass. I said, Hey HAY, as in Hey Hay Lin! Anyway, one review, for all our effort on the last chapter.  
  
Hay Lin: The one I busted my frickin' ass on?  
  
Cornelia: The very one. Sorry.  
  
Hay Lin: PLEASE, please, PPPPLEEEEAAASSSSEEEE review 7-11 Gundam Wing! The more reviews we get, the more *empowered* we are to write better, more- nonsensical-than-before, impossible-unthinkable-out-of-this-colony-kick-ass chapters. So, come on! Keep the good stuff flowing! We swear, what goes around comes around (if you're a ficcer, that means more reviews)! Good karma will come back to you if you review this (and the rest of L3's fics)! Spread the word, 7-11 Gundam Wing will keep ya busy when you're bored!  
  
Cornelia whispering: Don't come off as too desperate.  
  
Hay Lin: Okay, I'll stop talking about reviews, and we'll start being nice. If you want your fics beta-ed, you can e-mail us at wyrdsistah@lycos.com. We do Gundam Wing, but we're best at Love Hina. AND, if you loved ANY of L3's (in case you don't know, L3 stands for Luna 3, the trio behind 7-11 Gundam Wing and the rest of the all of the fics under the username Luna Stop Swearing) fics, you can tell us if you want to be notified whenever we update a fic, just include it in your review.  
  
Cornelia: There you go, you fic-centered bitch, talking about reviews again.  
  
Hay Lin sobbing: Fics are all I have! My dad walked out on us when I was a kid, my mom never has time for me, and I, I think my brother's hitting on me!!!!!  
  
Cornelia: Forgive the bastard, forget what she just said, and if you still can, forgive L3 for rambling on like this. It's May here in Manila, and basically, the entire Philippines is like a sauna to us. Doesn't exactly help that the heat has some sort of wonky effect on our brains. Anyway, speaking on behalf of L3, until the next chapter! Jaa! 


	11. Please Share The Mayonnaise So That Ever...

7-11 Gundam Wing  
  
By Luna's R. Twysted, Luna Stop Swearing, and Luna Antonio, Otherwise Referred To As The Three Crazy-Arsed Bitches With Nothing Better To Do  
  
Disclaimer: We own nothing but several F4 posters that we swoon over.  
  
Warning; Graphic barfing. Sexual humor. Don' like it, don' read it.  
  
Notes: Weeeeeeeee'rrrreeeeee baaaaaacccckkkk!!!!!! It feels so great to be back. We got discouraged for a while because the lack of reviews (coupled with triple writer's block), but Skydancer got us back on track again! Thanks and plushies to all, and to all a good fight! Read and review!  
  
~*~  
  
Chapter 11: Please Share the Mayonnaise So Everyone Will Be High.   
  
Snap. Click.  
  
Trowa smiled a scarce smile. Wufei and Heero had now discovered the joys of mustard, ketchup, and mayonnaise, and were now fixated on creating murals out of them. They'd empty the contents of all three bottles in their mouth, gargle it, swish it around, so all the colors mixed very well and came out smooth, and then they'd spit them out on the floor, sort of like on Art Attack. Then they proceeded to outline their masterpiece in light oyster sauce.  
  
"Oh Heero."  
  
"Oh Wuffy."  
  
"I wuv you."  
  
"I wuv you too!"  
  
"Let's kiss."  
  
"No way, I don' wanna get STD."  
  
"You can't-"  
  
"Hmm.Trowa Barton, National Geographic photojournalist doesn't sound bad," he thought to himself as he snapped a shot of Heero and Wufei hugging.  
  
"Heery-chan?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I wanna hump Relena."  
  
"She's not a camel. She's a frickin' hydrocephalus."  
  
"I love you Hee-chan."  
  
"I love you too, Wu-man."  
  
"Let's BOTH do her later."  
  
"Okie-dokie."  
  
"This is priceless," he snickered, snapping another one for posterity.  
  
Then he remembered his mission.  
  
*  
  
"Looky, SALLY!" Wufei hollered, as he chugged down the jar of mayonnaise.  
  
Sally looked in the general direction of the idol and saw Wufei chugging (there's no other word for it) down what seemed to be mayonnaise.  
  
"I'm gonna be sick!" She confirmed after Wufei wiped his mouth on his shirt. Then she watched him reach for another jar, and drink that down as well.  
  
Someone passed her an empty bucket of ice cream. She accepted it thankfully, and emptied all the ice cream she had previously eaten into it.  
  
"Now I'm gonna be sick," Lady Une affirmed, reaching for a container of her own.  
  
"I'm WAY past getting sick," Hilde bragged. "I'm going to have nightmares day and night until my self-esteem drops to an all-time low and I make an appointment with a pseudo-intellectual, crossword-puzzle-doing while he's supposed to be working psychologist."  
  
"That's comforting," Iria said acidly, hugging her knees.  
  
Catherine was barely conscious, but at least she wasn't unconscious. (A/N: We've come to the point where our writing makes no sense at all. Bear with us.)  
  
"T-Trowa." she gasped.  
  
Then she caught sight of Lady Une and Sally doing the reverse of digesting.  
  
She fainted again.  
  
Relena had turned a sickly shade of green (think barf-green.you know, a yellow and green shade? Yeah, that's it!) and sought comfort from all the throwing up that was going on in Iria's sleeved arm.  
  
But Iria was giving it all she got in her own bucket, too.  
  
"I'm a politician. I cannot do this. I'm a politician. I cannot do this." Was Relena's mantra.  
  
After about five minutes of repeating the mantra, Relena disgustedly threw up her hands. "What the hell!" And reached over Noin for her own bucket.  
  
Total Barf-Fest. It was like the fucking Swan Lake of barfing. It was brilliantly choreographed, all the colors were bright, and meshed together against the ice cream containers, everyone was giving a hundred and negative ten percent into this particular activity. But since we, the authors, also feel like throwing up because all we can think about is all the barfing, we're going to leave the girls to their thing and move on.  
  
*  
  
"Turpentine." Trowa whispered hopefully, looking at the shelves of turpentine.  
  
"Motor oil, glass cleaner.what the fuck is engine deodorizer?"  
  
"Cool it, Trowa. You're talking to yourself. You're slowly going insane. You think you're falling in love with Dorothy! Snap out of it!" his inner chibi ordered.  
  
Instinctively, Trowa reached for a fat bottle. Labeled 'turpentine,' of course. And he raced back to Dorothy.  
  
~*~  
  
A/N: So so so? Have we lost 'The Touch' yet? Review, onegai! Do you LIKE what's happening?  
  
LSS: It's so great to be back.  
  
LA: ::Dodges the Spiral plushies being thrown at her:: You can say that again.  
  
LSS: It's so great to be back.  
  
LRT: Won't ANY of you help me with this measly bucket of fan mail?!?  
  
The End!  
  
LA: For now. 


	12. So Much Vomit, So Little Room, So Little...

7-11 Gundam Wing  
  
By The Three Disgruntled And Seriously Fucked Up Muses of Tragedy, Discord, and Pestilence.  
  
Disclaimer: Oh my goodness, we have forgotten the ethics of goof ficcing! Er, good ficcing! Sorry for taking too long to update, Gomen ne, gomen ne! ::Manically throws out pocky and plushies by the truckful:: So, new chapter! ::Dances in circle:: New chapter, new chapter, WHEE! More of everything evil, different, and of course, Gundam Wing! ::Releases firecrackers:: So, it's a good day to release a new chapter when you're this whacked. Yay! Don't forget to submit a pretty little review, or a pretty long with review, we accept either! And remember the cosmic rule of karma! What goes around, comes around!  
  
BANG!  
  
A harried looking Luna Stop Swearing runs up Luna Twysted to examine the now-dead Luna Antonio.  
  
"Does this remind you of anything?" LSS inquired, poking the corpse with her foot, whilst dodging wild fireworks.  
  
"Excel Saga," LT sighed, quickly opening a beach umbrella to shield herself from all the falling pocky and plushies. "We should really put her in an institution or something."  
  
"Well, she's DEAD. Haler!"  
  
Both look at each other, grab LA's wallet and valuables, and run off to decide how to split her belongings.  
  
LA gasps. "Hey guys? I'm not dead yet! Guys? GUYS!"  
  
~~~~~~~BEGINNING OF REAL CHAPTER~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter 12: So Much Vomit, So Little Room, So Little Air.  
  
Duo rapped on the glass casing of the ice cream freezer.  
  
"Who is it?" Sally asked, taking a time out from barfing.  
  
Noin peered at the glass. "Duo and Quatre."  
  
"Thank God!" Hilde breathed. "I thought he'd been sacrificed to the sandwich meat thing!"  
  
Duo opened the glass door.  
  
"Damn right we're not. I escaped Heero's clutches!" Duo claimed as he and Quatre jumped in.  
  
"Oh my." Was all Quatre could say as he surveyed the ladies.  
  
Duo noticed that, too.  
  
"Is this like, bonding time?" he asked, silently wretching. "Are we disturbing anything.girly?"  
  
"Not at all," Relena commented dryly. "We're just emptying our stomach's contents into ice cream containers just for kicks!"  
  
"It's the latest rage in party games!" Noin added.  
  
"No more dumb stuff like Spin The Bottle (1)!" Iria giggled.  
  
"Or I've Never (2)," Hilde suggested.  
  
Duo blushed. "Okay, I get the picture. Could you ladies put aside your buckets of barf and I'll tell something interesting."  
  
"Like what?" Lady Une challenged him, jutting out her chin.  
  
"Let's say I've found a way to get these guys back to their right minds."  
  
Hilde raised an eyebrow. "Really, babe? Usually you're not the one with the brilliant ideas."  
  
"Yes," Relena countered. "Heero comes up with them.when he's in his right mind."  
  
"You give more of a hilariously demented idea, Duo," Noin admitted quietly.  
  
Sally stood up until the glass door permitted her from doing so and grabbed Duo by the lapels and raising him at least two feet off the floor.  
  
"CHANGE. WUFEI. BACK. NOW," she commanded.  
  
Duo saluted. Sally was still holding him.  
  
"I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!! HE ACTUALLY CALLED ME SALLY!" Tears rolled down her cheeks as she continued to shake the bejoseph out of Duo. "HE CALLED ME SALLY! HE CALLED ME SALLY!"  
  
"Uh, Sally, I appreciate you appreciating my talents, but couldya please let me go?" Duo managed to choke out.  
  
"Certainly."  
  
Sally let him drop to the floor hard, and Duo made a big show of 'eating' air, indicating that air was good. Love air. Must have more air. Air, yum yum.  
  
Hilde smirked.  
  
"So, what's the big plan?" Catherine asked, getting up from her previous position.  
  
"What happened to you?" Quatre demanded in some sort of worried-concerned- overprotective tone that no one had heard him use ever before. (A/N: Can you guess what we're hinting at???)  
  
"Um, I guess I fainted," Catherine said sheepishly through her ice cream mask.  
  
"Twice," Sally corrected.  
  
Catherine nodded. "Twice."  
  
"Why?" Quatre asked.  
  
"Um, the first time because I saw Dorothy and Trowa hitting on each other and flirting."  
  
Hilde wrapped both hands around her throat at the very remark and made not- so-subtle gagging sounds.  
  
"Wait, ya mean to say that Dorothy is out there? WHY?" Duo inquired.  
  
Lady Une wiped off the gunk on her mouth with her hand, which totally disgusted Duo and Quatre more than anything. "We voted her out. Tribal Council."  
  
"Yeah, but WHY? What's the sense in that?"  
  
Hilde touched her boyfriend's forehead. "Are you Duo, or some clone? Cause I can tell who's who, and you're way TOO philosophical and TOO concerned to be my Duokins!"  
  
Duo laid an assault (a very long one) on Hilde's lips. "Well, is it me, babe?"  
  
Hilde smiled breathlessly. "It's you Shinigami."  
  
"Great. Now why did you vote Dorothy 'we-all-hate-her-so-much-but-deep-down- inside-she-holds-a-soft-spot-in-all-of-our-hearts-especially-Quatre's' Catalonia out of your sweet little hiding spot?" Duo asked, rephrasing the question in a way that was inoffensive to everybody.  
  
"I." Relena took a deep breath. "I ripped her eyebrows off!"  
  
"Holy shit!" Duo grinned. "Holy S. Hit! What were you thinking?"  
  
"She told me that I wasn't married to Heero!"  
  
"Uh, Miss Relena, you aren't," Duo said, making the fatal mistake of pointing it out.again.  
  
But this time, Une and Noin stopped her from doing something similar to Duo, albeit that something having to do with his beloved locks.  
  
"So-RRY," Duo apologized half-heartedly as Relena calmed down, backed off, and gave varying replicas of Heero Yuy's Death Glare, although none could match nor surpass the original.  
  
"Fake eyebrows," Quatre mused. He was sitting next to Catherine, wiping the ice cream off her face with his handkerchief.  
  
"Inane, isn't it?" Catherine said, flashing a smile.  
  
Quatre felt his insides turn to mush. Think baby food mush. The stuff with pureed carrots, pureed wheat germ, pureed mixed vegetables, mashed squash, battered broccoli.  
  
"Ain't that cute?" Hilde whispered to Noin, who nodded.  
  
Personally, Noin was glad that Quatre was involved with someone other than Dorothy.  
  
"Ahem, may I have your attention please, may I have your attention please?" Duo said in his ringmaster voice.  
  
"Okay, right. Your plan," Iria said.  
  
"Yeah. There was this special news bulletin. Said that 7-11 hotdogs were found to contain some sort of chemical. Something called bladidiwackiwackiwoowoo."  
  
Everyone cracked up. (A/N: What a scary thought.)  
  
"Bladidiwackiwackiwoowoo!" Relena ejaculated. [A/N: No, no, hentai fans, stop that thought, hold that thought, freeze it, and throw it in the Antarctic Ocean with the penguins!]  
  
"Bladidiwackiwackiwoowoo!" Lady Une yelled, high-fiving her.  
  
"Poo rhymes with bladidiwackiwackiwoowoo," Noin said, thoughtfully sucking her thumb.  
  
"AND WE HAVE TO SHOCK THEM!" Duo finished loudly to be heard above the exchange of 'bladidiwackiwackiwoowoo's.'  
  
At that moment, a clap of thunder was heard outside.  
  
"Perfect," Sally commented, rubbing her hands together. Everything, foolish as it sounds, became somewhat normal. "All we have to do is to construct some sort of lightning rod and attach Heero and Wufei to it."  
  
"How simple," Quatre said sarcastically, which freaked everyone out, because sarcasm wasn't even a word in good-boy-Quatre's vocabulary.  
  
Sally scowled. "Like it or not, it's our only hope, Winner."  
  
Quatre looked away.  
  
"Well, who's with me?" Duo asked confidently, as usual.  
  
"Me, of course," Hilde volunteered, snuggling up to Duo.  
  
"Thanks, babe," Duo murmured. "Anyone else?"  
  
Nada.  
  
Duo sweatdropped. "Please?"  
  
"Since you're being so nice, Duo, and close to the point of groveling at my feet and being my love slave for eternity, then I'll take advantage of that," Sally said with a malicious smile. "I'm in."  
  
"Me too," Relena chimed.  
  
"Count me in," Quatre added.  
  
"I can be of some help," Catherine piped up.  
  
"Let's kick ass!" Lady Une yelled, putting on her glasses.  
  
"Lady Une? Wrong segment," Iria, who was nearest her, whispered.  
  
"Oh, I mean, I'm in too." Lady Une looked embarrassed, but nonetheless, bitch mode was in full swing.  
  
"And me," Iria squeaked.  
  
"And me," Noin repeated.  
  
"Sally, Lady Une, Noin, I leave the brilliance and plotting up to you three," Duo said, bowing deeply.  
  
Lady Une heaved a can of ice cream at the braided boy.  
  
"Aiieee!" Duo exclaimed as he dodged the container. It DID, however, bean Quatre on the head.  
  
"Quatre!" Catherine and Iria shouted at the same time, rushing over to him.  
  
Iria patted her brother's cheek softly. "Open your eyes, Quatre. Please."  
  
Quatre dutifully did so. "Easy squeasy, lemon peasy." he said half- consciously.  
  
"Er," Catherine pondered. "Perhaps more ice cream?"  
  
A/N: Have you had your fill of randomness yet?  
  
(1) And (2): A heartfelt apology to all the Spin the Bottle and I've Never writers. We loved them, don't be mad. But after seeing dozen thousands of them. the best is still Jaelle and Orla's version. They're also among our favorite GW writers. ^_~  
  
Responses to the Uber-Nice Pipol Who Were Super-Nice Enough To Post Their Serious, Somewhat Philosophical Reviews:  
  
First of all, doumo arigatou gozaimasu! That's how thankful we are for getting reviews!  
  
Spooky: Yes, indeed, barfing is good. And guess what's better? MORE BARFING! 0__0;;  
  
Wufei: Too bad 'bout that. anyway, hope your mother doesn't kick you off again! At least, we hope it's funny enough to keep you rolling in your seat.  
  
Melancholy Girl: Ooh, convert! ::Glomps:: Thankies for reviewing! Thanks, thanks, we're quite aware of the fact that we've pretty much lost all the sane cells in our brains. Sorry for making you almost do a barf-fest, we killed off the writer of the Trowa Dorothy, yet somehow, it's still 3/D flavored! 3D, LOL! ^^  
  
Skydancer: Thanks for sticking will L3 for this long, we're bad, yes, we don't update often, only when we're completely bored and feel like it. But you're still reviewing, yez!  
  
~~FREE! Vocabulary Lesson!~~  
  
And remember, the word of the day is Haler! Kind of like 'holler' but with an 'A.' Sort of like, "Hello?" Usually used after a sentence, when responding to someone stating the obvious. An example of this when used in a sentence:  
  
Situation: Relena and Hilde talking randomly.  
  
Hilde: You like Heero right?  
  
Relena (rolling her eyes): Do I have to answer that question, HALER!  
  
~~~~~END~~~~~  
  
Luna SS: Sorry about that. Don't forget to review, okay? Oh yes, the FF.Net server seems pretty screwed, so if you see any format errors, like weird symbols inserted in place of this or that, it's not our fault. We type things correcllyy. Correctly. 


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